3 Mental notes to take, to be better at conversations

From the book I recently read — crucial conversation

Humans are social animals. And any relationship you have, may it be with your parents, guardians, siblings, spouse, partner, friends, colleagues or extended family, all affect your well-being and success.

Healthy communication is the key to maintain any relationship and is one of the most important skills required to move forward in life.

Recently I completed a book called — Crucial Conversations, it’s main focus is to learn how to conclude hard conversations when opinions are opposed, stakes are high with strong emotions included.

Yeah, I am already anxious about the conditions they applied… You can imagine the time where you had to discuss an arrangement for salary with your boss, need to come clear to your parents on one of their decisions or confronting a change with your partner and many more.

These stances are deal-breakers. If not dealt with ethically, they will lead to problems in future. But I feel anything can be dealt with if you have the right plan of action.

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak” — another Greek philosopher Epictetus

So let's delve dive into how to create chances of concluding the discussions in a way that you move forward to achieve better strength in your relationships rather than losing it. (remember the most important relationship for yourself is the one which you have with yourself )

Crucial points to consider in every conversation, discussion, talk or dialogue you hold are some constants we need to keep in mind throughout:

1) Free flow of information

Authors in the book call it — The shared pool of meaning,

It translates to the law of not holding any information related to the dialogue. Parties involved should share their thoughts because that is what a conversation is :(

But at tense times, it becomes difficult to share what you have on your mind. So, further rules to keep in mind and action and try keeping the pool of meaning constant because without having a constant or free flow of information, the situation will not skip or pause…it creates a wider gap which is harder to leap when the situation or emotions treat you again.

To achieve a better and healthy conclusion we need a constant, healthy free flow of information to the shared pool of meaning. Information includes views, facts, opinions, theories, emotions and experiences that are understood and valued by everyone involved…phew!

Understood but how the hell do we do that!? Because fewer people are comfortable in sharing their opinions on sensitive topics.

2) Mutual Respect

One of the excerpts from the book —

“Respect is like air. As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it’s all that people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose — it is now about defending dignity.”

Maintaining mutual respect between the parties is one of the key pointers to keep in mind. Also keeping in mind is different than following it because you may be respectful throughout to keep the free flow of information but if the other parties are just not in line, you will lose it.

Well, that’s why we have one more task to secure which will bring us closer to the possibility of attaining mutual respect between all.

3) Mutual Purpose

There will be someone who is trying to communicate, persuade, understand or willing to face a particular situation where attention is needed, according to… assuming that person is you.

YOU have a purpose to interact and conclude something important but does the other party wants the same.

If you have a great and understanding team, spouse, siblings, partners or parents all the time. Congratulations! hopefully, you don’t need to go through this point (or maybe any of the above too, just clap 50 times and go do something else)

But if you want/need the other parties to converse, share, conclude and bring their thoughts in the shared pool. It is YOUR responsibility to find a mutual purpose. It is the way to clarify the need/want for the conversation you want to lead for THEM. And how do we do that —
For that, you need to find the answer to why

why does the other party included would want to talk it out?

otherwise

find or create a convincing answer for the same question, for them

(the latter part executed successfully makes you a good marketer, congrats)

So the basic work is to move and fill the shared pool of meaning and after some decent comprehension of the total story and looking at it from more perspectives of the parties a better picture will lead to some conclusion.

The above diagram shows the direction where the dialogue should move. Chances are that YOU or THEM might go into

Silence(withdrawing, avoidance or masking from the conversation) or Violence(controlling, labelling, attacking the other party by word strings)

which is normal, but remember the Mutual purpose and create a safe environment by showing respect and start moving back to a shared pool of meaning.

What happens if mutual respect or mutual purpose is not maintained?

— Anyone being disrespectful will make the relationship crack and will divert the focus of energy and time towards gaining power in the argument.

— Not having the same purpose, will never lead to the conclusion as people will be trying to go on different paths.

For example, a discussion where parties want to reach a logical answer can conclude after putting their side of the story respectfully, but if one or both parties have a purpose of just winning the argument will not be a mutual goal and lead to nothing good.

Mutual respect & purpose are important and co-related to each other. Keeping anyone clear will increase the chances of others while losing any one of them might influence losing the other unless you react and create safety.

Understanding that our emotions (very real), and the story behind them is only one of many possible explanations which can or cannot be accurate.

“The key to sharing sensitive ideas require a blend of confidence and humility”

Keeping curiosity and patience to genuinely know and listen towards the other party after the mutual purpose and respect is taken care of will make the dialogue glide in the right direction.

Learning the way to comprehend and respond is everything, to be better at conversations with people and most importantly YOURSELF.

My articles are either my learnings or notes for myself to improve. A journey of my mutating brain. They can be insights, epiphanies, entries that needed exit from my headspace.

I am not teaching anything; I am hopeful that someone might learn or get inspired.